It’s the same old conflict: Parent versus child. Throughout the ages, parents have always been at odds with their offspring at some point in the growing up process. You might even be getting a taste of some of that right now.
Toddlers and adolescents are
usually the biggest perpetrators of “boundary testing.” If you can survive
those years, most children grow beyond those attitudes and adopt a more mature
nature and ideas.
Unfortunately, for
many parents, this “phase” is anything but a phase. They grapple with real-life
destructive behavior because they deal with a defiant child. If you are
experiencing this right now, then keep reading. There is help for you and your
child.
Defiance can go
beyond the age-appropriate outbursts and behavior of the toddler years, adolescence,
and even teenage angst. In these situations, other conditions may be present
that exacerbate overly strong-willed attitudes in your child. It could even
stem from a chemical imbalance of some sort in the brain or a learning
disability. The point is that there are solutions. Your child is not a “demon
seed” but someone you love who is in need of assistance.
In this report,
you will become acquainted with how your child views their life and their
thought process. Discover the “thinking errors” that all of us struggle with,
but kids don’t seem to be able to turn off. Finally learn some much-needed
steps for resolving conflict for dealing with defiance head on. You love your
child; that’s a given. Now, it’s time to understand your child.
How A Defiant Child Thinks
The common myth is
that children are little versions of us. In reality, they are young people who
think in ways that are different from us. For one, they lack the extensive
experience and knowledge that adults have developed over a lifetime. Second,
they are “blank slates” – their brains lack the necessary connections. With
each new experience, they learn things like sitting, standing, walking,
talking, reasoning, sharing, and understanding and so on. So, if your child
tells you that they don’t want to go outside or don’t feel like cleaning their
room, it is coming from that self-centered place where they live, until they
learn there is another way to act.
A defiant child,
on the other hand, sees things in their own way. What you view as reasonable
requests are just reasons to get an argument started for them, if they don’t
get their way. Here are some snippets from a “Day in the Life of a Defiant
Child”:
“I don’t want to
get out of bed. School is dumb. I’ll just lay here.”
“I don’t have
enough time to get ready before the bus comes. This sucks. Why do I have to go
to school?”
“Why should I do
my homework? I’ll never use any of this stuff. My teacher hates me anyway.”
“Can you take me
to school? Otherwise I’ll be late since I missed the bus.”
“Stay off my back.
I’m doing the best I can. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you guys.”
“There’s nothing
wrong with watching this show. All my friends’ parents let them watch it. You
just don’t want me to be cool.”
Does any of this
sound familiar to you? You may have heard it so much that you just tune it out,
roll your eyes, and keep moving. Or, your blood boils every time you hear it
and the shouting commences. These statements are inflammatory and meant to “get
your goat” so to speak. Kids hope that by making you incensed, you will give in
to their demands and they can go on living as they always have been. The
problem with that is these attitudes are not healthy and not productive. They
can only lead to more trouble, as your child gets older.
A child who sees
the world like this on a daily basis is not only defiant but most likely
suffering from some sort of disorder on top of that. What could be driving your
child to exhibit such behavior?
- Peer pressure and/or rejection (bullying,
teasing, drugs, sex, alcohol or other)
- Past traumatic experiences (physical or sexual
abuse, for example, with or without the parent’s knowledge)
- Conflict with parents (parental expectations,
separation, divorce, or remarriage)
- Body image issues (developing too fast or not
as fast as their peers do)
- Sibling issues (dangerous sibling rivalry,
bullying, etc.)
- Defiance is the thing that is “in” right now
so it’s okay to do
This is by no
means a comprehensive list. It does encompass many different kinds of
situations to become aware of with your child. Children can place unrealistic
expectations upon themselves and feel too embarrassed to tell you when
something is going on with them. As a result, they try to handle it themselves
and the defiant behavior is a result.
Parents are not mind
readers and thus don’t make the connection all the time. This can further
infuriate your child into thinking that you don’t care enough to be able to
tell when they are having problems.
Another part of
defiant behavior could be due to chemical imbalances in the brain or
disabilities. Your child could suffer from:
- Anxiety disorders (ADD, ADHD, ODD, panic
attacks or another)
- Depression (bipolar depression or clinical
depression)
- Learning disabilities (dyslexia, autism spectrum
disorder, or another)
Any of these
issues can compound a problem with handling emotional situations. Whatever the
reason, addressing the underlying issues is necessary to get to the heart of
the matter. Did you know that as much as five percent of teenagers have
clinical depression? That seems small but is a great concern when you are
speaking of young people. Their reasons for depression could be hereditary but
are displayed as more irritable than sad.
What is ODD?
Oppositional
Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a medical condition that must be diagnosed by a
professional clinician. As we said, all children go through a phase of defiance
throughout their formative years. ODD is something different. It is not a phase
but an ongoing set of behaviors that don’t resolve or get better, but
progressively worse, especially if not treated through training and behavior
modification for both parents and children.
A child may be
suffering from ODD if they exhibit one or more of these chronic symptoms almost
daily for at least six months. Children with ODD are:
- Prone to using bad language
- Lose their temper easily and often
- Argue with adults including their parents
(they believe that they are equal to adults)
- Refuse to comply with requests from their
parents, teachers, and other adults as well
- Annoy others on purpose
- Talk back to adults
- Blame others for their problems and accept no
responsibility for their actions
- Are annoyed easily by other people including
friend and family members
- Show vindictive behavior over perceived
slights
- Angry all the time
- Resentful of other people
These children
believe that it is their right to do as they please. If something displeases
them, they rage against it until they get their way. For them, defiant behavior
is a norm instead of an exception to the rule. The danger here is that these
patterns will carry over into adulthood where their behavior could turn violent
and lead to problems at work and with the law.
Thinking Errors In Defiant Children And Teens
We all can exhibit
“thinking errors” at times in our lives. This is nothing new. Consider the
alcoholic who says that they can drink and function at the same time. Or, how
about the person who wants to lose weight but doesn’t see the harm in eating
half a box of ice cream after dinner because they will “work it off” tomorrow.
It’s called “justification.” These thought patterns are used every day by
someone (mostly adults) to feel better about making poor choices in our lives.
As adults, we
understand what we are doing but deceive ourselves so it will be alright.
Children don’t have this knowledge. They act this way to gain the upper hand,
or power, over others in their lives. When they see it works, their behavior
will continue along that vein whether the outcome is good or bad. For defiant
children, the outcomes tend to be negative and that’s where their power lies.
When we as parents give in to their demands, we are reinforcing negative
behavior and showing that their tactics work.
Here Are Five Thinking Errors That A Defiant Child May Exhibit
“Victim Stance”:
As a victim, everything is done “to” you so
the responsibility for fixing a situation doesn’t fall on you but the person
who is the aggressor. Defiant children may play the “victim” role to get out of
taking responsibility for situations where they are clearly at fault. There are
times when our children or we may actually be a victim, but it is not healthy
to live in that position in everyday life. Blaming others seems to absolve them
from trying a new task, making mistakes, or moving ahead in life when they are
afraid or embarrassed. Instead of trying, they cry foul and become angry.
“Uniqueness”:
This is where the children feel that
they are above everyone else. Pitfalls that would ensnare a lesser person don’t
apply to them. The alcoholic, mentioned above, is an example of this. He can
drive unimpaired by a few drinks because he has a false sense of superiority
and security. Clearly, alcohol compromises the system and his logic is faulty.
For kids, it could be the reason why they don’t study for a test. Hanging out
with the wrong crowd won’t influence them because they are “different.”
“Concrete Transactions”:
Defiant children
use adults and others as a means to an end. You are only useful as long as you
perform the job that they need you for. They may trade on their friendship with
someone to get them to go along with something bad or illegal. Being nice to
parents is only so they will do something for them even after they have put
their foot down.
“Turnaround”:
This one is almost self-explanatory.
No matter what you say, your defiant child will turn the remark around on you.
If you are not prepared for it, you’ll be caught off guard. You are annoyed
because they are not cleaning their room. Your child retaliates by saying that
you don’t love them or that you are too hard on them. They accuse you of all
sorts of atrocities in order to change the subject and get out of punishment.
“One-way Training”:
This is an
insidious tactic. Instead of you getting your child to follow the rules, he is
training you to follow his. When confronted with a task he doesn’t want to do
or a skill that he doesn’t want to learn, he will turn things around to focus
on your behavior. He may go through your belongings in your room and then bark
when you come into his room. He may lie and say he has other things to do or
too much on his plate and he will get to it later. Manipulation is not above
him.
Steps To Deal With A Defiant Child
Don’t be deceived.
You must deal with the child you have. Comparing your child’s behavior with
that of your friends will not resolve the situation. You love your child and
because you do, these types of destructive behavior patterns must be broken. As
a parent, you know it’s for their good now and in the future. They are counting
on you.
Learn to understand your child –
In the case of
defiant children, this is almost as important as loving them. In fact, it is an
expression of your love for them. Discover how they think and why they think
the way that they do. If you need to, employ the services of a psychologist or
psychiatrist to assist your family with sorting through the mess and getting to
the root of the issues so everyone can live a more productive life.
Avoid yelling –
This is counterproductive. When your
blood begins to boil, step away from the situation. Instead of giving your
child what they want (which is you off kilter), leave the area and return to
the discussion when you can keep your emotions in check.
Listen to your child –
In between that
shouting and double talk are clues to why they are reacting and acting in such
a manner. Actively listening is also the way to compartmentalize your emotions
as you seek out the information you need to help your child.
Read Techniques For listening In Your Relationships
Read Techniques For listening In Your Relationships
Positive reinforcement –
Your child is
looking for power and doesn’t care if the ends are negative or positive. Ensure
that they will be positive through reinforcement. Offer encouragement, praise,
validation and even rewards for positive behaviors that they exhibit. Reduce
their power in the negative realm by refusing to give in to their demands or
producing the desired negative results.
Redirect his energies –
Think about the
last time you were mad. Your heart is racing, your muscles are tense, and you
seem to have a lot of excess energy. The same goes for your child. Use
productive ways to burn off that energy that doesn’t involve negative
behaviors. Teach them to use exercise (playing basketball, running, biking,
jumping jacks, etc.) as a stress reliever to calm down. Physical movement
satisfies the urge to throw or hit something while letting you come back down
to earth.
Set boundaries and stick to them –
Following
through with consequences, no matter what sad story your child tells, will let
them know how things work in real life.
Being defiant is
normally a phase for most kids, but is much more than that for some. If your
child is exhibiting defiant behavior (whether it escalates or not), nip it in
the bud right now. Understand your child’s way of thinking and then combat each
behavior by hitting it head on. Follow through with firm consequences for
negative behavior. Stress reinforcement of positive behaviors as a way to move
away from those destructive patterns. Give your child the tools that they need
to fuel their growth into adulthood and a successful life.
Picture: Pixabay
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Steps To Resolving Conflict With Your Strong-Willed Child
Reviewed by Juilal
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Reviewed by Juilal
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