Signs And How To Fix A Manipulative Relationship

Manipulation is a huge topic of interest among couples. It's a common weapon used by abusers and controlling partners. Manipulation is hard to prove. Hence it makes the abuse feel like it's your own fault, and it's easy to get away with.

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Most a times we don't realize we're being manipulated until it's too late. Manipulation most often leads to mistrust. It is also one of the strong relationship red flags only if you realize it on time so you could watch your back.

Read Red Flags To Look Out For In Your Relationship

Master manipulators can twist your words and actions so that it seems like every mistake you've ever made was your idea even if they were at the center of it. They have a way of silently walking out of the problem. It can make you feel senseless, like you're not in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. And it can go on for a long time before you realize ‘this is manipulation’.

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Some manipulators are just that good that you might not catch it every time they are in your head. There are some basic signs that your significant other is in your head and if you could spot them, it can help you to better know when they are manipulating you.

Note that most people that use manipulative tactics in their relationships do not feel secure.

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Basic signs your significant other is manipulating you includes

1. Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail is toping the signs of manipulations in relationship as this has become a norm in most relationships and often times, mistaken to mean your S.O loves you. Emotional blackmail is really ugly and it can never ever lead to a healthy relationship. It is another relationship red flags you don’t want to joke with.

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Some of the ways manipulative partners use it includes: "I'll take my life if you leave", "I would die without you", Don’t leave, I’ll be lonely. This tactic is associated with the use of fear, guilt, and shame to keep you under their grip. It is unwise to remain in a relationship where someone threatened to kill themselves.

Way out: It is difficult not to but try not to fall for it. Most a times, treat from manipulations about self-hurt are not real. But not to mean you don’t care about your S.O, tell them "If you're feeling suicidal, I'll call the police for help or a counselor to help us deal with the issue and don’t for any reason deal with it alone incase the treat is real. It sounds tough, but it's often the best thing you can do for your significant other.

2. They are extremely calm at situations

What is your partners reaction when something terrible happens?When something bad happens, or things seem to be in anarchy, is your partner extremely calm?

This manipulation makes you feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing. It can make you feel like you can't trust your own emotional reactions. There is a great way manipulators use to control their partners emotional reactions. They use this method to determine when a circumstance merits an emotional response. Otherwise, you're just being silly. Over time, consciously or not, you will be looking to them for how to respond when something happens. Emotional response should be spontaneous.

Way out: This manipulation can be so damaging that you might need a therapist to help you get back in trusting your emotional responses. Till your next appointment with a therapist, the best thing you can do is go with your gut.

Read A Calm Mind Is A Healthy Mind

3. Gas-lighting
Gas-lighting is someway related to (2) above. This manipulation makes you feel like you are losing your mind. Your significant other pretends they didn’t say things they said, or pretend you didn’t say anything. They are good at leaving out details, twist the truth, re-invent the past, make you think you forget things. Over time, you'll feel like you can't trust your own brain, so you must need your partner to keep you in check by being your reminder.

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Way out: Gas lighting is a serious form of abuse and should not be taken lightly. Once you realize this is the form of manipulation your significant other use for their selfish interest, you really have two options at your disposal. (1) is to talk about it with all seriousness and if this doesn’t work, (2) is to take a walk.

4. Playing the victim
This another form of narcissistic behavior. They so much manipulate that you concentrate all your effort on them. They make you feel you own them all emotions. When they are wrong, they use emotions to push the blame on you. they never want to accept any fault.

For instance: you both were in a fight, forgetting what caused the fight, who said what and your partner is totally heartbroken even if they did wrong; your partner is always hurt and in need of extra attention and you are the one always apologizing, it’s just another form of manipulation to make you feel you are a bad and unworthy partner which gives them the advantage of not taking responsibility for their actions.

Way out: For healthy relationship, it is good you apologize for what you feel you need to apologize for. Though sometimes, you might not be wrong and still apologize but when your significant other is manipulative about this.

5. If you really care/love me
Unfortunately, this one is often used and we ignorantly assume it’s all love. It’s okay, I’ll do it. Sure, I love you, I will get it for you. This form of manipulation is hidden in some way. Your S.O basically ask you to prove your love over again by doing what they want without considering your stand.

"If you really loved me, you'd go to the store and get me some milk!". "If you really loved me, you'd change your mind about having a baby." Gush.

Also note that this form of manipulation uses guilt and emotional manipulation to achieve their goal.

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Way out: Be firm with your replies like, "I can still love you with my whole heart without going to the store to get you milk." or "You know you can just ask me to go to the store to get you milk without staking my love for you on it.

6. Plain bullying
This form of manipulation is much easier to recognize among others. It is seen in the facial expression of our S.O or in their voices.

For instance, your partner asks you if you want to help with the dishes. You really want to say no but the look on their face and probably the tone in their voice says you better do the dishes or something bad will go down. So you humbly say “I’d love to!” and then you do it.

Here your S.O uses subtle treat of violence to control you and making you do what you don’t want to do or feel like doing that moment. Manipulative partners could be really cunning. After they have achieved their automate goal, they’ll say “you didn’t have to do that, you could have said no” hence presenting them like a good guy after manipulating you.

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Way out: Truth be told, it is safer to do what the manipulator wants at the time and figure out how to manage the situation later. This is to avoid real violence from ensuring because at the moment all they care for is their self.

Though in most cases, there will be no physical violence and then you can affirm your NO response.

If you cannot say no in a relationship without being afraid for your safety, you need to get out ASAP.

7. Heart tugging
In this case, the manipulator uses your heart to play against your choice. They make you feel you made a wrong choice about everything. When you decide a thing without involving them, “good or bad” they make you feel that was a pretty wrong choice you’ve made especially when it has to do with just you.

Way out: Don't for any reason let someone make you feel making the best choice for yourself makes you a bad person. Most of heart tugging can be met with reasonable replies.

Read How To Let Go Of Guilt In A Relationship

8. They are always jesting
Cruelty is seen here. This manipulation is in two parts. (1) They say hurting things and when you get upset, it is really not their fault because they were just jesting. (2) This has to do with public. They make jest about you in public, in front of family and friends and if you respond negatively, you are ruining the fun and this prevents them from taking responsibility for their actions.

Way out: It can be really difficult to confront your S.O when you feel they hurt you publicly and you don’t want to look like the bad person. But standing up for yourself is paramount because they will keep doing it. You don't have to worry about ruining the fun.

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9. Home court advantage
One of the easiest way to control anyone is by taking them out of their comfort zone. Manipulators are also good at this. They will take you to unfamiliar places in order to be completely in charge.

Have a recall: all the places you’ve been on dates, whose friends you visit the most. Are they all yours and your partners favorite spot? Or they are all their favorite spot. How often does your S.O allow you choose where next to visit?

You're easier to control when you're not in a familiar terrain.

Way out: Being in a healthy relationship entails making choices together. It is called partnership. The best way out is to choose places to hangout together, places to go on dates etc and they should be places you both feel comfortable.

10. In easy reach
This method of manipulation is complete pretense. Your S.O isn’t ready to have a serious conversation with you so they feel sick. “hey honey, I don’t feel too well, I’ll go get some nap” yes, you won’t object that, will you? Some may fake illness so you'll feel sorry for them and give them extra care.

Way out: This is another sign of an unhealthy relationship. You don’t need to fake headache because you don’t want to go out with your significant other. You can make plans for your partners care while you go do the needful. Odds are: they'll be just fine.

11. Excessive kind-heartedness
Kindness sometimes can be used as a tool to manipulate people. Naturally, when someone is nice to you, you will want to return the favors someway. Expert manipulators know just how well to use kindness shown to get whatever they want from their significant other.

A manipulator will give his/her partner a gift because they want them to do something they will normally not do. This is so damaging to the victim because over time, it makes them question people's motives every time they're nice to them.

Way out: Every kindness with a hidden motive is not kindness. If you spot the motive, you can say thank you for the kindness, but don’t give in to the controlling aspect of the manipulation.

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Manipulators are cunning, they are sneaky and mean. Hence the more you recognize manipulative conducts, the more you'll be able to shut them down. If you're dealing with a chronic manipulator, odds are your best bet is to split. This will hurt, but could save a lot of you.

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