It’s really "Hard to Say I'm Sorry." Saying sorry doesn't come easily or naturally for most people and I’m not left out. We often get wrapped up in our world and might need to consider how we might be hurting others intentionally or not.
Whatever maybe the case, a genuine apology is
necessary and may be the only thing that can repair a broken relationship.
Do you notice that apologizing is kind of a crazy and a weird
thing to do? You're principally throwing yourself at the mercy of a person
you've aggrieved and only hope they let go and say “it’s all good”.
You’ll likely get a good response if you apologize like you mean it because there's a right and a very wrong way to say you’re sorry. Just saying "sorry" in a text message or over a phone call will do little or nothing.
A sincere apology involves some digging deep, making
yourself defenseless and exposing some or all of your flaws to the other
person and that’s why apologizing is really hard for a lot of people. A sincere
apology also means you’re ready to make amends which most of us aren’t cut out
for. This also means being responsible for your actions too.
Naturally, a good apology taps into your communication
skill, empathy and most importantly - trust. Even if it's a minor apology
which most people overlook, it's still kind of a big deal to the other person
in an emotional way.
The tips below will help you apologize in a more sincere
way. Heartfelt apologies are really the best and quickest way to reconcile differences.
If you speak from the heart and do what feels right, you'll have less fights or arguments in your relationships.
Ways to truly say you're sorry
1. Acknowledge what you did wrong.
According to Dr. Elizabeth M. Minei, the first step to
making an apology is to explain the error. The person who made the mistake
should acknowledge and demonstrate their understanding of why they hurt the
other person. "The reason for this step is that an offer of 'Sorry!'
without communicating that you've understood why the words or actions were
hurtful results in less of an impact to the hearer," she says.
2. Dig into your feelings.
With reference with #1, you need to take a break to think
things through so you go into your apology with a clear head. You need to know
what you did, why you did it, why it upset your partner, and why it might be an
issue in the future.
Note: If you don't think things through first, you could
go in with some residual anger or resentment and make things worse for your
relationships. Though there’re scenarios you know you’re absolutely wrong and apologizing
that moment could save your relationship. But if it's a serious issue, you need
to take the time to sort it out.
3. Be honest.
A sincere and humble apology according to New York
City-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, doesn't attempt to justify
wrongdoing. Instead, it "shows that you recognize your hurtful actions,
accept responsibility, and are willing to change."
Don’t apologize like politicians do. Often, they will say
something like, 'I'm sorry if I hurt you,' or 'I'm sorry but ...' that’s no
apology in human sense. You don’t apologize and at same time point finger or
play the blame game with your apologies.
With reference to #3, according to Keba Richmond-Green, a
mental health and relationship expert "It gives them the opportunity to
either take it or leave it. When you ask for forgiveness, don’t expect an
immediate response. Though it comes almost immediately.
Generally, when you ask for forgiveness, you give the
other person a chance to react and respond. Give them plenty of time. Don’t go
about asking them if they’ve forgiven you even if they never come around, this
is an important gesture that puts the ball back in their court. It’s like
turning the mouth of the gun against them. the fact here is that you’ve
accepted you were wrong, apologized and sure want to move on and if the other
person isn’t ready, it’s not your fault.
5. Be the bigger person and apologize.
Have you noticed that sometimes you were a little wrong
and your partner was also a little wrong? At this junction, it's essential for
you to be the bigger person and apologize. Take responsibility and be the one
to apologize. You can talk things out later. This is one of relationship
compromises.
6. Never think of an apology as a competition else you’ll
ruin your relationship.
Most people within and outside marriage think apologizes
are competitions. A partner want to be the one accepting apologizes all the
time to be the so called winner. Such people don’t value their relationship but
their destructive ego.
Marriage and family therapist Carolyn Cole says, an
apology simply means that "you value the relationship more than your ego.
7. Don't blame other person.
According to relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad,
"saying, 'I wouldn't have if you didn't do this first' sends a message
that you are not taking responsibility for your actions." In other words,
blaming the other person makes your apology not accepted or of no value and this
is the most challenging hurdle to overcome most of the time. Most people are
quick to point out how someone provoked them into acting the way they did.
8. Apologize the right way because there’s a right and
wrong way to this.
It’s not a difficult thing to do. All you need to do is
set the right mood in motion beforehand - No phones, No text apologies except when
it can’t be avoided, No TV in the background, Just you, your partner, and some serious
eye contacts. And then you just have to let out. Say, "I'm sorry...."
and then explain what you're apologizing for. Sure this will lead to other
important discussions and open the door for you both to share your emotions and
ideas for a better relationship.
9. Be ready to apologize more than a few times.
With reference to #8, because the mood is right doesn’t
mean they’ll accept your apologies. Sometimes one sorry won’t do the job. To
show genuine apology, Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin strongly recommends repeatedly
asking for forgiveness and offering reassurance to loved ones, especially for
serious errors.
"To apologize and expect life to return to normal
because you said sorry is unrealistic," he says. "This contrition
will help reduce the anger/tension that the other may be feeling and help
rebuild the trust."
It’s actually more than apologizing over and over again
without listening to your partner. Also, it’s a waste of time apologizing without
your partner or the other person responding to your apologies.
Now, if you're in a situation where you need to
apologize, your partner is certainly going to have some feelings or thoughts
about the situation and will have something to say and you have to listen
because it’s your job. Now is the time for you to listen to what they have to
say and not just hear; really listen.
This means tuning in, putting yourself in their shoes, and acknowledging you heard what they said. It's not the time to interrupt or disagree. It's just the time to listen and take notes to avoid future occurrence.
This means tuning in, putting yourself in their shoes, and acknowledging you heard what they said. It's not the time to interrupt or disagree. It's just the time to listen and take notes to avoid future occurrence.
11. Let your actions speak as well.
Apologizing is not bad but not taking action is. If you
apologize for any reason, say you forgot a date night and you recognize how it
makes your partner feel, and you make a plan to change, you need to follow
through and this is where your actions come to play.
The very next time you have a date night, you can't be
late or forget the date without a really, really good excuse. Your actions in
this situation will speak louder than your words. If you don't follow through,
you're not just making your partner question your abilities, but also your
partner's trust.
To avoid distrust from creeping into your relationship, you have to do all you can not to forget such important dates like setting reminders, etc.
12. Gift your partner in a romantic way.
You don't need to buy off your partner, and gifts are no
excuses for real, healthy communication after a disagreement. But in a time of
vulnerability, it can make your partner feel really validated and special if
you do something romantic. Buy a gift that you know they'll love, make dinner,
or do something fun just to lighten the air and bring a little happiness into
your lives. Don't mistake this act with your meaningful apology.
13. Tell them how you’ll change.
With reference to #11, you’ll agree that an apology is
meaningless if nothing changes subsequently – actions, behavior, etc. This is
why it is so important to follow up with a "how you plan to change your
behavior to avoid this problem in the future," - Dr. Jesse Matthews.
Most importantly, you must follow through with the changes
you promised else you’ll be violating their confidence in you rapidly. A follow
through plan and sticking to it is the only way that the other person will know
that you are genuinely sorry.
14. Prepare/make a plan.
Apologies are antidotes for anger. If you did something wrong and you've
apologized, that's a great first step to reconciliation. But to show you really
mean it, you need to make a plan. This plan can include how to react to
situations, how not to forget important dates - how to avoid future incidents,
how to make amends, or what you can both do to improve your communication
skills.
Sometimes, your partner has to be in the picture/plan. If
there's a specific problem at hand, you can make a plan to address that with your
partner.
But what if they refuse to forgive you
An expert, Minei has found that "a well planned and executed
apology is 12 times more likely to generate forgiveness from the
recipient." She further advised that if peradventure your apology is not accepted,
that you assess the reason why it wasn’t accepted and work towards correcting that
notion.
If the other person says they need more time, you might
respond with, "I understand, and I’m willing to give you more time. I'd
like to call you next week — does that sound all right?" – they’ll understand
you’re persuading them to forgiving you and they’ll surely give it a second thought.
In restoration process, sometimes, people may hesitate in
granting forgiveness because the offered restoration isn't enough because of the
damage caused and Minei says in such cases, you might respond with, "I'd
like to know what I can do to make this right. Can we brainstorm
together?" This shows that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make
amends.
In conclusion, there are times when people completely
refuse your apology no matter how well-intentioned or heartfelt it sounds. At such
times, Minei suggests that you can only respond by stating your desire to
maintain your relationship. You could say, "I understand that you want
nothing to do with me, and I regret that my mistake has led us to this place. I
do not want to end our friendship and can only say that if you change your
mind, I would be willing to continue our relationship." But afterward, you
should let them have their peace.
Putting things off too long just gives time for
resentment and anger to build.
Apologies will never be easy, but hopefully these tips
will make them better.
Just remember that the key to a good apology is to speak
from the heart and to show a little empathy. Deep down, we all just want to feel
understood and loved.
Picture: Pexels
How To Apologize In A Relationship Like You Actually Mean It With 14 Helpful Tips And Be Happy
Reviewed by Juilal
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Reviewed by Juilal
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