How To Fight Fair In A Relationship And Grow Stronger

Fighting fair in a relationship is inevitable if you truly want a long, lasting and lovable relationship. Fights in love are common even in the best of relationships. But what matters is handling. How do you handle fights in your relationship?

Do you go into fights with the mindset of winning even before hand? Do you fight with the idea of manipulating your partner into agreeing with your thoughts? You can’t fight fair with such thoughts. If you must enjoy peace of mind in your relationship, you must find out how to fight fair in a relationship.

Read Why Is Love So Complicated

Note that it’s one thing to decide to fight fair in your relationship and it’s another to understand and know the frequency at which your relationship flow. No what triggers anger in your partner, etc.

Understanding how to fight fair in a relationship is critical for the success of any type of relationship, be it a short term, long term one or a new one.

It’s natural for two individuals to pick an argument, even if they’re deeply in love with each other, one of them instinctively want to win the argument and prove that they’re right ­­­– even if they’re not.

But when you’re in a relationship, you must understand that it’s not the right way to work things out with your significant other.

Normally, there’s always a winner and a loser when it comes to arguments. But in loving relationship, depending on how you argue (fighting fair), it can either make both of you winners or make you suffer too.

Note: Those in love with one another and respect each other don’t fight in a relationship to win, rather they fight because they’re hurt or feel misunderstood and try to correct that notion.

Read What Does a Good Relationship Look Like?

The next time you find yourself in a relationship fight, use the following steps to fight fair in love, respect and come out as winners who have made their relationship stronger instead of weaker.

How to fight fair in a relationship:

1. Know what triggers anger in your partner.

Anger does not erupt all by itself, it is triggered by something. Even the world most active volcanoes don’t erupt without seismic activities going on and sometimes hundreds of kilometer deep within the earth.

Just like volcanic eruption, so is anger. Take a closer look at your partner and take note of those things that trigger them to anger. Do you call them names they’ve told you they don’t like you to address them with? Why not stop using those words/names to address them etc.

Read What To Do When In A Verbally Abusive Relationship

2. Don’t deviate from the conflict.

We’re all tempted to stray away from the real conflict when in a fight and it’s quite easy to stray especially when you’re on the losing side. You may start arguing about how your partner leaves the door unlock and end up dragging the fight all the way to how your partner doesn’t help with house chores or how they don’t care enough to check on you during office time, etc.

This type of arguing can make your partner shut down in frustration or play the deaf game and I’m sure you don’t want to keep ranting without a reply. Try as much as possible to stick to what angered you in the first place.

The best thing when arguing is to focus on one aspect or issue raised and solve them instead of going all over the place like amoeba.

3. Cooling-off.

With reference to #2, it is necessary to establish working rules that permit either partner to cool-off before trying to resolve anger. Such rules may including going for a walk or engage in some social or other physical activity in order to allow anger to fritter away.

Such time helps your partner to identify the issue, think more clearly and organize their thoughts, thus keeping the fight more on focus.

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4. Never bring up past issues

With reference to #2, if you truly want to know how to fight fair in a relationship, you should never bring up unnecessary details of the past just to make your partner feel dejected all with the aim of winning the argument.

For instance: if your partner almost cheated on you years ago, there’s no need to bring that up from your storage device just to win an argument or make your partner shut the hell up.

5. Don’t raise your voice on your significant other.

Raised voices will never help in a relationship fight except you’re just coexisting. When one partner raises their voice, it’ll irritate the other who may start yelling too, or even throw a few things around in anger and frustration.

Do all you can not to raise your voice on your partner unless you have no choice. When you try your best to stay in control and speak with a calm voice, it’ll also help your partner calm down and help both of you have a discussion as a replacement for a fight you might regret.

Read The Red Flags To Look Out For In Your Relationship

6. Fight by consent.

It’s funny right? Don’t insist on a fight when your significant other is tired and unable to handle the strain. You just might end up losing greatly. One of the not so right times to fight is when your partner just returned from work or a journey.  A fair fight requires two ready individuals in their right senses for productive outcome.

NB: fights are always strenuous. To fight fair, both parties must be mental ready.

7. Don’t hit your partner below the belt.

Sometimes, when all you see is red because you’re on the losing side, the easiest way to hurt your partner is to hit them where it hurts.

Talking about how fat or ugly your partner is or how much of a loser they are, you’re definitely hitting them below the belt and that’s against “Fighting fair rules”. You may manage to bring your lover to tears. But why should you do that? Just to prove that you’re right? If you really want to fight fair, you must avoid hitting your partner blow the belt because that can leave them traumatize for a very long time.

8. Know what triggers your anger.

With reference to #1, it is important to know what triggers your anger. Anger is an emotion and is definitely triggered by something you don’t like and let your partner know those things necessary.

9. Listen to one another.

A constructive argument will always help a relationship get better and help partners understand themselves better. This is only made possible if both of you respect each other’s opinions and are willing to listen to each other.

“Active listening is crucial when in a relationship fight”.

Read Techniques for Listening in Your Relationships

10. Agree on a time and place if necessary.

Postponing resolving conflicts is putting your relationship at risk. Be sure resolving an issue is not postponed indefinitely. After cooling off, agree on a time and place to talk things out with your partner.

For example, after the TV show goes off and in the living room or wherever fits.

11. Don’t attempt to resolve a conflict when under the influence of alcohol or other substances. They’ll put you in more troubles.

12. Don’t blame your partner for your failures.

Maybe you got to work late because your partner didn’t wake you up on time – your thought. Whereas it’s really not your partners fault but yours. They probably forgot or the alarm didn’t wake them too. Do all you can to make the best out of every situation.

Don’t blame someone else for your misfortunes or your shortcomings. Instead speak about it without losing your senses. It may or may not be either of your faults but just be a little misunderstanding.

13. Respect for tears. 

Crying is a valid response to how we feel and you must respect your partners’ tears. Don’t, however, let crying sidetrack from getting to the real issue causing the conflict because some people use tears deceptively. But: respect those tears, calm the tension and revisit the cause of the conflict.

Read How To Show Respect In A Relationship And Love One Another Better

14. Keep in mind why you’re fighting.

Most of us forget the real reason for the conflict. Remember that both of you are fighting, not to score points but because one of you feels hurt and wants to be heard. You should not forget that.

15. Truthfully and clearly state the problem.

Don’t just say, “I’m hurt by the way you don’t show me respect.” Rather, be clear and specific as in, “I felt hurt when you said…or when you did…

16. Learn to accept an apology with humility.

One thing you should not forget if you want to fight fair in a relationship is to learn to accept an apology with humility. By behaving in a bossy manner over the fact that your partner apologized to you, will only make your partner become a person who never apologizes because of your bossy behave after winning

a fight.

Read How To Apologize In A Relationship Like You Actually Mean It With 14 Helpful Tips And Be Happy 

17. Compromises are essential in any relationship.

When one spouse is wrong, permit them salvage self-respect. Agree that neither partner should win a fight. If one wins, the other loses and may build resentment and in effect, both have then lost because the relationship is damaged.

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18. Don’t camouflage.

Don’t cover deeper grudges/feelings with less important issues. For instance: “The meal is too salty!”, “I don’t think that you understand all the pressure I’m under!” these reasons might be minor irritations that covers the deep and unspoken.

19. Don’t label.

With reference to #7, avoid telling your spouse that he/she is depressing or a bore. Instead say “I’m tense inside because you seem moody/depressed. I’d like us to talk about it.”

20. Fighting fair includes feedback and clarification.

Slow down emotional and heated fight by starting a “feedback round.” You could paraphrase back to your spouse what you heard.

For example, “Honey, you said I’m boring because I don’t have outside interest. Is that right?” Your partner then responds by either affirming the accuracy of your statement or clarifying it.

21. Be opened to new information and insight from a fight.

Fighting fair means you’re opened to new information/ideas that will help your relationship become stronger. Try to extract new information and insight from a fight to give room for healthy growth. Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it because of self love/pride.

22. Apply those changes.

Wit reference to #21, a fair, firm and clear request for a change or improvement in whatever brought on the fight should be gladly welcomed. Each partner must be clear as to what they agree to modify or improve on (individually or collectively). It is important to be specific and realistic about such changes so you will easily make them and get help when needed.

For example, it would be agreed that whenever a partner seemed tense, the other would encourage them to talk about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping mute.

23. Keep your fights to yourself.

Exceptions would be when more serious problems suggest the need for a third party. Good counseling helps do what you might not be able to do alone. It could open your eyes to things you didn’t see and appreciated in your significant other.

24. Handling anger in front of the kids.

Now you have kids, it’s not business as usual. Peradventure anger and conflict erupts in front of children, it is paramount you try to resolve these feelings right in front of them and it’s best when done immediately.

You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about finding the middle ground, discussion, and compromises by watching you do it constructively for the good of the home leaving them with smiles knowing that all is well at home. This attitude also teaches them about the importance of reconciliation as humans.

25. Touch/Body contact can start a conversation.

Use touch to help your spouse make the entry or re-entry into a communicative mood as we sometimes don’t know when or how to start. A foot reaching over in bed, holding hands, warm hugs, pecks and a hand on the shoulder can say expressively mean, “Honey, one of us needs to start talking. I’m willing to start but you have to listen.”

26. Exclude violence.

Violence should never ever be an option when fighting. It is necessary to agree in advance that real violence is completely ruled out in your relationship. Do not provoke your partner to raising their hands or throwing things at you because you’ve ruled out violence in your relationship. This will mean betraying their trust.

27. Don’t dare your partner.

With reference to #26, it will be foolishness to dare your partner to hit you because they might hit you pretty hard you’ll wake up in life support.

28. Where’s the problem from?

Check again, the cause of your anger/anxiety might not be within your relationship. It could be work related, poor health, etc. It’s relaxing when couples that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes pain in the relationship. It gives them better understanding of the problem and how best to overcome those challenges.

29. Hug, kiss and make up.

Every single one of your differences or arguments can actually bring both of you closer or further apart.

As furious as both of you may be during a fight, always hug, kiss and find a way to make up after a fight even if you couldn’t come to a conclusion.

Locking yourself in a room or storming out of the house can make things worse for both of you, and you’re only prolonging something that can end in minutes. The only time a partner should take a walk is only when the tension is much and your partner isn’t ready to calm down. You talk a walk to cool-off.

Fighting fair in a relationship also means ending the fight well.

Read 20 Types Of Kisses And What They Really Mean

30. Prayer as strength.

Major religions view prayer as a vital strength. While human behavior principles must not be neglected in learning how to handle conflict constructively, neither should couples neglect the religious resources of their faith in working out their problems.

Use these thirty steps to understand how to fight fair in a relationship so the next time you find yourself locked in a conflict, the chances are, you may understand each other better and have a happier relationship once the dust settles.

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