Disturbing Reasons Why Your Relationships Don’t Last

There’re several reasons romantic relationships seems not to work out. From domestic abuse to financial insecurities, etc. But if you find yourself stuck in a pattern of relationships that don’t last, there may be some psychological reasons why you’re in this circle.

There’re common patterns that interfere with people’s long-term relationships over and over again without realizing it’s a pattern.

Read: 9 Phrases That Can Boost Your Relationship

Can you see these patterns? If you can learn to see them and work through them, your chances of finding a satisfying long-term relationship will increase significantly.

Here are the psychological reasons your relationships don’t last

1. You’re scared to say ‘no’ to what you don’t want.

If you can’t say no to what you don’t want, you’ll end up just as unhappy and resentful as if you don’t ask for what you do want.

a.         a. Can you say no to your partner when they want to have sex but you don’t?

2. Can you say no when your partner wants to take that new job that requires working 48 hours per week?
3. Can you say no to your partner when they want to hangout and you don’t feel like?

All healthy relationships require some amount of compromise. But if you’re habitually compromising on everything (like being readily available) or on things that are deal-breakers for you, how healthy do you think your relationship can ever be?

The willingness to say no is about standing up for yourself — it’s about giving yourself the same level of respect you give to others.

If you can’t do that, how could the relationship not become one-sided, unhealthy, and eventually fall apart?

2. You overvalue the significance of complementary.

Opposites attract. And then they explode.

At the early stage of any relationship, it always feels good to be with someone who’s very different from you in several ways because it feels like they are a better you. They make you better by complimenting you.

Suddenly, your overvalued significant other becomes…:

a.       a. Your confident partner makes you feel a little less insecure.

b.        b. Your extroverted partner makes it easier for you to say yes to social events you’d said no to.

3. Your organized partner helps you avoid errors running your day.

But those compliments quickly devolve into resentments:

a.        a. He’s such a bore… He never wants to go out or socialize.

2. They’re always telling me how I should feel and how silly it is to worry.
3. She’s so rigid and controlling… It makes me feel like a teenage boy in high school.

Basing your relationship on complementarity is often a recipe for future disappointment, distance and sudden resentment.

Here’s a different way to think about it healthy relationship. It is very easy:

Healthy relationships happen when you and your partner are simply compatible and not complementary.

Compatibility simply means what you share. Call it team work. And to feel as though you’re a team. Relationship is partnership and partnership, is team work. Because like any team, your similarities outweighs your differences.

So when you’re deciding to get into a new relationship, differences are appealing because they give the illusion of filling in our own psychological needs. But in the long run, it’s the things you agree on and share that define the strength and happiness of your relationship.

3. Your standards for emotional maturity are very low.

Probably this was your line: “But he/she was so good-looking and funny and smart… How was I supposed to know they had the emotional maturity of a kid?”

The truth is, we assume people’s level of maturity by their facial maturity or body size. We also tend to assume this across different areas.

Just because someone is mature in one area of life doesn’t mean they’re evenly mature in all areas of life:

a.        a. Your partner may be older and more socially classy than those you’ve dated, but does that mean they are emotionally mature? Are they capable of admitting when they’re wrong?

2. Your significant other may be well-educated and intellectually mature, good for you. But does that mean they’re emotionally mature enough to handle stress and be resilient in the face of failure?

It is important to note that no matter how smart, successful or charming your partner is, if they’re not emotionally mature, your relationship will be miserable.

Read: Emotional Affair Signs You Are Going Through

Unfortunately, most people have incredibly low standards for emotional maturity. And while your partner’s defensiveness in complex conversations or avoidance of talking about feelings may not feel like a big deal at the moment, it’s going to feel like a big deal when you’re two years into marriage, raising kids, or trying to purchase a property, or dealing with the loss of a job, etc.

Please say no to emotionally immature people around you, your partner inclusive. Your future self will thank you.

Read: 9 Big Emotional Needs In A Relationship That Binds It

4. You’re afraid to ask for what you actually want.

These are some of the things people wish they could ask for in their relationships but are way too afraid to:

a.      a.  It’d be nice if we went on more dates like we used to when we were dating. Just a thought to themselves and not their partner.

b.       b. I wish we had more sex. But it’s a weird thing to say. Plus, I don’t want my partner to feel bad. Who told you they’ll feel bad? Why not ask first and see what comes next.

c.       c. I’d love to spend more time with my friends, but my partner gets so insecure and jealous whenever I do things without them.

Yes, sometimes it’s hard and embarrassing and scary to be direct and ask for what you want. But what’s the alternative? Just sit hoping things get better and all of a sudden your deepest wants and needs start getting met magically? Sometimes, these unspoken or unrequested wishes or desire leads to unfaithfulness in relationships.

Note that: Your relationship will never work if you are not willing to work for yourself.

Unfortunately, many people are taught to be overly polite and respectful and considerate of other people’s wants and needs to such an extent that they ignore theirs. And when you chronically ignore your own legitimate wants and needs, you’ll end up seriously resentful and eventually, sabotaging the relationship.

The solution is to become more assertive to communicate your wants and needs in a way that’s honest to yourself and respectful of others. Like anything, it’s difficult, but with practice it is a skill you can learn and improve.

5. Unwillingness to put into effect your boundaries.

Sure it’s one thing to set healthy boundaries in relationships, but the most difficult part is implementing them.

a.         a. You can say you’d like your partner to remember to refill the milk on Saturday evenings, but what will you do if they don’t?

2. You can say you’d like Chinese food instead of Thai, but what good is it if you “just go with it” every time because they make such a fuss?

Note: Boundaries are of no value if you’re not willing to implement them.

Boundaries are like laws guiding a society. And actually, it’s worse than that: If you constantly set boundaries but don’t implement them. You’re indirectly teaching your partner not to take your requests serious. Which makes the whole problem worse than the first.

It may feel uncomfortable, but it’s crucial that you get used to setting and implementing boundaries early, your relationships inclusive.

It’s very hard to teach old dog new tricks. Hence the need to always implement set boundaries.

Healthy relationships depend greatly on implementation of healthy boundaries.

6. You have unrealistic expectations of your partner.

Most people get into long-term relationships too quickly or without good judgment. Many are under serious pressure to be in a relationship without first defining what they want out a relationship. As a result, they often find themselves stuck with partners who simply aren’t a good for them.

Understandably, this is a agonizing realization. And rather than confronting the reality and dealing with it, they avoid it by living in denial of the truth. They presume that if they worked harder and are able to convince their partner to work harder too, everything will suddenly be okay. Sadly, it most likely won’t.

Read: How To Tell If You Are Nurturing Positive Relationships

One of the ways most people continue the illusion of control over their relationships is high expectations. When you tell yourself someone should act a certain way or be a certain way, it gives you the illusion of control and certainty. But just because you really expect someone to be a certain way, or you expect your relationship to be a certain way, says nothing about whether it’s possible.

Not only do your unrealistic expectations not make things better, often they amplify an already bad situation because they make people feel bad for not being something else.

The best way to avoid unrealistic expectations and all the conflict and bitterness that comes out of them is to choose your partner wisely right from the beginning.

Everybody suffers when you expect people to be more than they’re capable of.

7. You don’t know what your values are.

8. You don’t have a good layout for healthy relationships.

Most often, we all like to think of ourselves as mature and intelligent being who make important life choices rationally and objectively based on good reasoning.

But in actuality, we are all more influenced by unconscious patterns than we like to admit. And this is especially true of our relationship choices.

The relationships we choose are greatly influenced by the relationships we grew up around and the ones we see on a regular basis like on our favorite romantic movies or those on social media forgetting social media is loaded with fake life.

If you’re surrounded by examples of unhealthy relationships, it’s very difficult to swim against the tide and choose a healthy one.

Read: 10 Signs To Look Out For In A Healthy Relationship

As a replacement for naively assuming that you can stand above all the social influences in your life, better to try and change the type of people and relationships you spend time around so that those powerful unconscious pattern work for you instead of against you.

9. You totally depend on your partner to feel better.

Was there no you before your partner? What made you happy before they came into your life? What did you do to build your self-esteem? What happened to you?

Because you’re in a relationship, does not mean your happiness should come from your partner. Yes, they should be part of your happiness but they should not be your happiness. If you love soccer and it makes you happy, why should you stop playing soccer because you want to keep your partner? This will affect you in the long run.

With reference to #7, if you know what your values are, you’ll be careful not to go into a relationship for any reason. Your happiness should also be your concern. If your partner will not add to your happiness but wants you to depend on them to be happy, you have the best reason to walk out the door now.

If you have someone coming around and it is when you have them around you feel better or happy, that is a reason not to date them. they should add to your happiness and they shouldn’t be your only source of happiness.

Here is what happens when you totally depend on your partner for your own happiness:

a.         a. Partner A: Insecure and self-doubting meets Partner B: overly-confident with narcissistic behavior.

2. Insecure Partner A brings every worries of the world and anxiety to confident Partner B who makes everything feel better.
3. Soon, things fall apart: Partner A realizes that confident Partner B doesn’t actually address the core insecurity issues they are having. With all this currently playing out, overly-confident Partner B starts to resent Partner A as “too needy” and or “too fragile” for their liking.
4. So swift like desert storm, trust disappears and eventually the relationship dies — sometimes with a very loud bang and some other times, silently.

Read: 12 Male Insecurities That Women Don’t Realize

Moral lesson:

“Your emotional wellbeing is your responsibility and yours only. Don’t make it your partner’s.”

Apparently, other people matter for our emotional health and our wellbeing. But if you go into a relationship with the mindset of depending on your partner to feel happy, you’re setting up the relationship to fail right from the start.

10. You chitchat about your relationship.

Trust is vital in any kind of relationship.

It’s worth looking closely at where you tend to lose trust in relationships. One of the places distrust comes from is something that we innocently do and seems pretty harmless to many people and that is chitchatting about your relationship with a third party.

Sometimes, it plays out either ways:

a.          a. You had a big fight with your partner: so you meet up with your friends at your usual hangout spot and vent for a while.

2. Your partner really hurt your feelings, so you impulsively call up your mom, dad or sibling to complain, report your partner or vent.
3. Or you’re having trouble conceiving, so you pour out your fears and worries to your best friend.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk to someone about your relationship, I didn’t say any of these are necessarily bad, but if you’re talking about your partner or your relationship with a third party, and there’s a good chance your partner wouldn’t want you to, then, that’s problematic. Just be mindful of who you’re talking to about your partner or your relationship. Ensure to talk to someone responsible that can add value to your life, partners’ and relationship.

There’re partners that make it crystal clear on what’s okay to talk about outside the relationship and what needs to stay in the relationship

If you find yourself routinely talking about relationship troubles outside the relationship, maybe you need a better way to talk about relationship difficulties inside your relationship. Or maybe you just need a new relationship with all things made clear from the start.

How can you expect to find a partner who’s right for you if you don’t know what’s right for you?

Values are the things that matter most in our lives.

Values are our highest principles and the things we aspire to. The problem is, for many of us, we simply inherit our values without much conscious deliberation about whether they’re a good for us.

So, if you choose a partner based on values that aren’t really your own, is it any surprise that you attract people who aren’t a fit for you? The answer is NO in caps.

If you want to find a partner you’re deeply compatible with, make sure your values are really your own and not that of your parents or friends.

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